That Lump in My Throat is Gratitude

We didn't go "home" this summer, since our daughter lacks a valid VISA allowing her to come & go. I've missed the opportunities to see family & friends, but I've also been thankful for the opportunity to remain in Prague because it's meant we could stay in one place and not have to travel so much.

A major drawback to staying overseas for a summer means that we don't get to connect with our supporting churches & sponsors. It means that there are no large one-time donations, no "love offerings" taken after we speak. It means that our support can start to dwindle.

Sometimes I wonder if some of our sponsors have forgotten about us. I know it's not intentional - I really think it's more of an "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing. Goodness knows we all have tremendous demands on our attention. Some of it is perhaps our fault too, because we've had a terrible time keeping up with this blog, and with our newsletters. (Speaking of demands on attention, have you ever tried to blog with an 8-month-old on your lap?)

When I logged in to our mission account register last month, my heart sank, because we were $1000 short of our monthly goal. I found myself thinking that if we'd been stateside, if we'd made the appearances, if I'd been more faithful with newsletters, we wouldn't have fallen short. I told myself I'd get a newsletter out the very next week, but then we started Czech class...and had friends come to visit...and I had four applications to process...

Another few weeks went by, and I'd failed to let anyone hear from us. I hadn't communicated our financial needs. I logged in mid-month, and I was crushed. We were now over $2500 behind. Again, I vowed to get a newsletter out immediately. And then we needed to say farewell to some very dear colleagues...and we had a meeting with the school director...and we had three doctors' appointments...and we had another meeting with our VISA agent...

I really didn't want to check in at the end of the month, knowing that my lack of communication was going to be reflected in our account balance. However, when I opened our ledger this month, I was astounded to see that we were only $483 short of our month's goal. There were some large, one-time gifts that had been sent in.

Once again, God has shown me that His care for us is not dependent on my striving, my shortcoming, or even my best intentions. I'm so very, very thankful. 

Denied AGAIN

Phil met our agent yesterday afternoon, for another trip to the foreign police in the ongoing quest for Susanna Jane's VISA. It was a short trip - her paperwork was denied, AGAIN.

We've been giving several possible explanations as to why her application didn't go through this time, the biggest one being that her name isn't on our lease. Yes, you did read that correctly.

I hardly have the words to describe how I'm feeling at this point. We've spent nearly 7 months in this process, we've produced countless documents (at significant cost!) for new applications, and we're back at square one.

Prayers are appreciated.

Nerozumím česky

We're in the middle of an intensive Czech class - a *very* intensive Czech class. We've had four classes so far, and I'm told we've covered at least half a semester's worth of material. I don't doubt it. I feel as though we're moving at the speed of light.

This has been a frustrating week for me, I think primarily because I'm the only person in the class who hasn't studied some Czech prior to enrolling. (Phil attended classes at CISP last fall; two of the other girls in the class have already done most of the workbook pages we've been assigned.) I'm also discouraged because I don't have the time to give it my undivided attention like I did when I studied Russian. I'd love to spend three solid hours on my homework, but I have a very busy 8-month-old (who's still nursing,) and a job with RCE.

Some have assumed I'd have an easier time with Czech because I already spoke Russian. I've been told that Czech & Russian have a 60% crossover, but I'm seriously starting to doubt this. For every word that I recognize that actually means the same thing in Czech as it did in Russian, there have to be at least 5 more that sound the same, but mean exactly the opposite. While the grammar structure is fairly similar, the verb endings are throwing me for a loop.

I'm not wanting to sound disgruntled - I'm thankful to finally have the opportunity to study! I do want to give everyone fair warning that I'm not going to come home speaking in full paragraphs. Grace is appreciated. 

A Normal Life

A dear friend of ours posted this Facebook status:

"What would it take for me to have a 'normal' life? Just curious."

and the answers she received were everything from the ubiquitous "normal is a dryer setting" to "we can't have normal lives."

The funny thing is, as a fellow missionary, her life seems perfectly normal to me. I get where she's coming from - it would be great to feel like you actually had a home in your "home country." It would be nice to be back home and not feel as though you need to constantly explain/describe/defend why you do what you do. The idea of a dependable salary seems oh-so-appealing when you've spent the majority of your home time on the road raising support, and you're still only at 42% of your goal.

My speculation is that her quest for a normal life really isn't about her wanting to trade in her calling for a desk job and a mortgage so much as it's a desire to be understood, to belong. Really, I think that's what every one of us longs for.

This is something I've been pondering a great deal as I've struggled to keep up with correspondence. "How can I compose a letter that accurately describes what we're dealing with here? How can I keep it under 5,000 words? How can I make people understand?" But I haven't really come up with an answer.

When God called us to serve overseas, it meant leaving behind what the majority of our friends & family considered to be a "normal" life, and embracing the uniqueness and the uncertainties of life in missions. While there *are* days I wish I could trade it in for a home in the suburbs and a 9-5 job which really ended at 5, most of the time I'm grateful for this tremendous opportunity to serve Him, wherever that may take us.

One Day I'll Know What to Say

It's never ceased to amaze me how frequently I'll be stopped and asked questions here. I'm not sure if I seem knowledgeable, or non-threatening, or if it's because I stand out as a foreigner and people are curious to hear how I'll reply. (It happened all the time in Moscow too, so it's not just because I'm now walking around with a baby in a stroller.)

This picture was floating around Facebook the other day, and I couldn't help but laugh. Some days, this is exactly how I feel:

I wish I had the same ability to communicate in Czech as I could in Russian.

Before We Even Ask

Our sweet baby girl - who is TWO months old! - is suffering from reflux. While it's not considered severe enough for medication, it's troublesome enough to have caused us a few sleepless nights, and several uncomfortable afternoons.

Susanna Jane Brande - two months old

When we packed our container with baby gear, we thought we had all the infant essentials we could need. But with the onset of reflux, I was kicking myself for not having included a recliner or bouncy seat - any sort of place where I might secure her in a more upright position. I can't remember if I ever voiced these longings aloud, but I certainly thought about it.

Just before we classes resumed this week, one of our colleagues called Phil to say he was bringing over some old baby toys for us to use. The domafon rang, and Phil went down to collect our gifts. When he walked in the door, my eyes filled with tears - in his hands was a bouncy seat!

Another reminder that God is providing not only for our needs, but also for the needs of our baby girl, even before we ask.

Susanna Jane enjoying her new bouncy seat.

Relief from reflux at last.

One of "Those" Days

We've been in Prague three weeks today, and we've accomplished quite a lot in this time span. So much, in fact, that I was lulled into believing that I could continue to check things off my still very long "To Do" list at a rapid-fire rate. Instead, I've had a day in which nothing was accomplished according to my desires. I've had one of "those" days.

• My parents mailed us a package, and wonder of wonders, it's already arrived. (If we still lived in Russia, I wouldn't even look for a package until mid-October.) We were given a large packet of papers from the post office a week ago which confirmed the package was in the customs house, and told that we could begin to file the appropriate forms to claim it. I foolishly thought that claiming a package in a progressive country like the Czech Republic would be pretty straight-forward, but for every paper I've submitted, I've received another request for more information. Today, I was asked to send in either a work permit or my study-abroad papers, neither of which I have. I'm starting to think that I may never receive this box or its contents.
• One of the things we were told we had to do once we signed the lease on our flat was to transfer the utilities into our names, and we needed to do this within 10 days of moving in. "Okay," we thought. "No problem." It probably wouldn't have been a problem except it took the resident manager nearly a week & half to get us the proper forms that we needed. It probably wouldn't have been a problem if it hadn't taken me an extra day to complete these forms (and this was with a great deal of help from one of our co-workers.) Still, I gamely set out to find the main offices for the electricity and gas services, believing that I'd be able to just get us in under the wire. I reached the offices about 1:15 p.m., only to discover that they'd both closed at noon. "Yeah," someone told me later, "forget trying to conduct business on a Friday." Information that would have been useful yesterday...
• The refrigerator we purchased came with an extended warranty, but the warranty wasn't delivered with the frig. But not to worry, said the e-mail which came on Wednesday, I simply needed to find one of the stores and ask them to print the warranty information for me. Sounds simple enough, right? Not if you're trying to conduct business on a Friday!
• We had three days in which to register our visas when we first arrived in Prague, and we did so. However, we have a new apartment, which means we have a new address, which means that we have to re-register our visas! I'd sent the signed contract which confirmed our new address to the visa agent (who truly has been incredibly helpful - I'm grateful to have his assistance) but unfortunately, we won't be able to get an appointment with the foreign police until at least two weeks from now. That's okay, because in the meantime, Phil has to declare me his legal power of attorney in Prague so I can take his passport with mine to register us both at the same address.

Quite frankly, the events of the day made me feel that I was still living in Moscow, but with much nicer weather and friendlier clerks. In fact, I was starting to wish that I *was* back in Moscow, because at least I would know what sort of hoops & hurdles I'd have to jump in a day's work. I took myself to a coffee shop to sulk for awhile, noting that at least I was only paying 1/3 of what I'd pay for coffee in Moscow. It was one of those classic "pictures of Egypt" moments, when you start to wish for what you had, not necessarily because it was great, but because it was so familiar. It's important to remember that God did not call us to serve in Prague because it would be "easier" or "calmer" or "better" than our previous place of service. He called us to be here because it's where He wants us, period.

Thankfully, I'm ending the day on a better note than I started it. I did manage to collect some necessary groceries on the way home, and I even found some local honey (which hopefully will help with my terrible allergies!) I'll rest & recoup over the weekend, and set out to accomplish the same tasks next Monday.

I Cannot Say "Thank You" Enough

We've been tremendously blessed to have had two baby showers before we leave for Prague. Friends back in Florida and now in Missouri have gathered to congratulate us and to celebrate Baby B's eventual arrival. We have been blessed with large gifts like a pack-n-play (which made it on to our shipping container before it departed!) all the way down to bibs & spoons, and our daughter has received so many darling clothes that we may have to pack a separate suitcase just for her outfits.

This evening, as Phil & I again looked through the assortment of gifts & cards we've received, it struck me that every single stitch of clothing we'll put on our baby girl will be something which has been provided by someone else. Even the occasional sleepers we've purchased for her were made possible because of donations which have been given to support us (and our soon-to-be-family).

I don't think I fully appreciated the fact that "My God shall supply all of my needs" now extends to the needs of this precious baby we're so anxious to meet in November. Everything - from her diapers to her onesies to her snowsuits to her teething gel - will be provided through the support we receive while on the mission field.

As I prepare to send out more thank you cards & prayer letters, I really don't feel that the words I put on paper will ever be enough to express my gratitude to the friends & family who have given so much. I am grateful today for the love that was "showered" on us in the form of baby clothes and books; I'll be grateful tomorrow as I try to pack all of this love into our duffle bags; I'll be tremendously grateful 3-and-a-half months from now, as I wrap Baby B in the beautifully hand-made blankets & booties we received.
I will never be able to say "Thank You" enough.

Weekends Aren't Unlimited

We had another scheduling scramble this weekend. One of the churches in which we were supposed to speak called us up to say that Sunday wasn't a good day for us to come. They could make space for us next weekend. What did we think?

Thankfully my gracious husband fielded the call, because had I been the one on the line, I'm not sure I could have given them my thoughts as diplomatically as I can write them here. We had been on their calendar for over a month. We had set aside that Sunday for that church according to their specifications. I thought they should have honored that commitment.

Life is unpredictable, yes. Flexibility in ministry is vital, yes. Sundays should be about rest, reflection & worship, no question. However, support-based workers often have very little time in which to accomplish our fund raising. If we're working full-time while trying to expand our support network, Sundays are often our best days for connecting with potential sponsors.

I realize that churches receive hundreds - if not thousands - of requests every year, from all sorts of people/projects/programs seeking support. By all means, churches must be discerning about who they endorse with their time or finances. I am in no way suggesting that churches are obligated to accommodate every request which comes their way, but might I gently share some perspectives of a support-based worker with pastors, deacons & committee chairs as they consider such requests?

• Please don't assume that it's "not worth our time" to come & speak to your church. God alone knows the hearts which are receptive to our cause. We don't view a crowd as who is or isn't willing to support us - we simply want to share about the work to which we've been called.
  
• Sunday morning speaking engagements are like prime real estate - there is no surplus. Even if we only have five minutes with which to connect with your congregation, this time is priceless to us.
  
• We are incredibly honored to be given the opportunity to speak in your church. On average, we receive only one invitation for every four contacts we make, so we don't take this day for granted.
  
• We will GLADLY accept a Sunday night or Wednesday evening time slot, if you have one to offer. It's okay if the crowd isn't as big as Sunday mornings - it's about the opportunity, not the attendance.
  
• For every 5 minutes that we're actually in front of a group, we've spent at least 2 hours in phone calls/e-mails, presentation assembly & prayer in preparation for this time. (Double or triple that if we had to travel to get to you...)
  
• If you can give us more than 5-10 minutes, chances are you'll be blessed as much as we would be. There is SO MUCH we'd like to tell you about the place we are headed, and the work which we anticipate doing.
  
• Please don't make this all about the money. Yes, we have to raise our support, yes, we're going to ask for your participation, but we also want to share with you about the work we are doing. We need your prayers even more than we need your pledges, so please don't tune out the 98% of our presentation that talks about our ministry.
  
• We connected with you because you were our home church before we left for the field, or our pastor(s) from our childhood, or the pastor of one of our close family members, or a long-time friend, or someone who expressed a sincere interest in what we were doing. We didn't drive through town and pick your church at random.
  
• The amount of time in which we have to meet our financial goals is limited. If we're among those who have been on a Stateside assignment, we might have a 6 month window (9-12 if we're exceptionally blessed.) If we're "home" for the summer, we've got about 4 weeks.
  
• Once you have us on your calendar, and we have you on ours, we consider this Sunday booked. We won't leave every other weekend open in case you change your mind.
  
• If you have scheduled us several weeks in advance, will you be kind to also let your congregation know that we'll be coming?
  
• If it really does become absolutely necessary to cancel our visit, would you please try to give us more than a day's notice so we can try to line up something else for that weekend?
  
• We cherish the relationships we have with you, and we sincerely appreciate all that you provide for us. 

Thankfully, God provided a last-minute engagement for our suddenly-vacant-Sunday, and we were warmly welcomed by the congregation. Did we receive several large support pledges as a result of our time? No. Were we obedient in sharing what God had placed on our hearts? Yes. Were we blessed by this opportunity? Absolutely.

We have 12 Sundays between now & our targeted departure date for Prague. The time will pass all too quickly. We're asking the Lord to continue to open doors for us.

Support Springs from the Heart

Christiana's Corner: I've had a rough day, work wise.
That's not something I say very often these days - most of the time, I love my roles in staff care, development & recruitment. Yet every once in awhile, I have an unfortunate phone call that just leaves me feeling drained, wounded, and totally ineffective. Today I had to deal with an irate sponsor.

(Before I go any further, I just want to clarify that this was not one of OUR sponsors - this was a call I had to field on someone's behalf.)

I will not go into great detail, but the crux of the call was that the couple was unhappy with the direction in which the sponsored staff  was headed with service. Although they were asking me to give explanations & justifications, they didn't really want to hear them. It was irrelevant that this worker has the full backing & support of the agency. They had already made up their minds about what they were going to do:  they couldn't control the actions of their sponsored staff member, so they were just going to stop giving.

Sadly, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. Ordinarily I'd dust off the phone & go on, but today's encounter has continued to weigh heavily on my heart. (Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones?) I ache not only for this particular individual who will lose this support, I'm hurting for the sponsors, who are so misguided & angry.

Since writing is the way I often reclaim my calm, I decided to channel today into something which might eventually be of use to someone, rather than allow it to continue to eat at me. Here, in no particular order, are some things I'd like to ask all supporters of missionaries- no matter who you are or who you support- to please hold in mind:

• You have been *asked* to give. Asked is the key word - you are never obligated to support anyone, even if we're relatives. We love you anyway.
• The size of your gift is secondary to the sincerity with which you give it. Those of us who've been on the field for many, many years know that the $5 per month donations sent with love & heartfelt prayers are every bit as precious as the $100 checks.
• Pray carefully about your decision to give before you fill out a commitment card. We will count every card toward our monthly/annual budget. If you're sending in a card just to be "nice", but have no intention of really giving those gifts, it's that much harder for us to stay on budget.
• It's okay to change your mind!  We understand that circumstances can change, but please communicate these changes with us. 
• Unless you've been called to the exact same culture/country/circumstance, please don't assume to know what we're going through. Please remember that every worker is unique, and that there's not always a "perfect" answer to the problem.
• Choose to sponsor us because we're called by God for a purpose. Although it may be attractive to support a particular project or cause, remember that plans sometimes change, and not of our own decision. We might not get to build the bridge we intended; it won't stop us from working just as hard to dig a well somewhere else.
• If you're concerned or confused about how we're doing, please connect with US! If you can't talk by phone, e-mail or send a letter. Don't call up the home office and demand a full report, because the person on the phone isn't the one on the field.
• Please give out of love. If you're giving to try to gain control of something, you're giving for the wrong reason. 
• Your support springs from your heart, not your wallet or your trust fund. If there's a day when you resent writing that support check, that's the day you should stop giving. 

My heart is still sore from the earlier event of today, but it's not nearly so heavy. Thank you for allowing me to share some of my thoughts here.

Musings over our Mailings

We've been working on an honest-to-goodness, ink-on-paper support letter this week. We've stuffed 150 envelopes so far, and we have about 70 more to do. I've been reflecting on how different it is this time from years past...peel-n-stick advancements in stationary...sending out this letter as a couple...needing to raise more than five times the amount I did when I left for Russia in 2002...

The first batch went out on Wednesday; we're dropping another stack in the mail today. As each envelope disappears down the blue throat of the mail box, I'm praying that those who receive our letters will respond favorably - through prayer, through financial support, or through sharing this information with their churches.

As it often happens, we did some random calculations, such as "if every person gave a minimum of $10, that bring our total support almost up to 80%..." or "If there were 50 people who could pledge $50 a month, we'd be closer to 90%!" It's encouraging and frustrating all at the same time. Encouraging, because we believe we will see an increase in our support levels; frustrating, because it tempts us to think only on dollar signs.

I've thought about the many fellow missionaries I've met who, upon entering this season known as "deputation", "itinerating" or "support raising", have been counseled to make a list of every person they can think of, and then write a dollar amount next to that person's name. I've never done this. Why? What benefit is there in trying to guestimate who will support you at which dollar amount? Why should that matter? My experience has been that people who choose to support missionaries do so out of the fullness of their hearts, not the fullness of their wallets.

The people whose names are on our mailing list are people we greatly admire, appreciate or love deeply. They are individuals & families who have known us since we were children. They are people who served with us in ministry. They are are our friends, our mentors, our counselors, our voices of wisdom. They represent multitudes of encouraging words & prayers prayed for us.  Those people who are on the receiving end of our support letters are people who've made an impact on our lives. If they are able to be a part of our financial support team, that's wonderful, but we need them as our prayer partners first & foremost.

Regardless of how many mailings, e-mails, blog posts, or speaking engagements, at the end of the day, God alone is capable of supplying for all of our needs. How or who He chooses to use to accomplish this will only be a blessing on top of a blessing.

In The End, There Can Be Only One

Christiana again, processing what's on my mind. I have spent the better part of my last four work-days (and even some time over the weekend) updating the RCE website with the many, many positions available for teachers to serve overseas. I've populated so many pages with links to so many schools, in so many cities that I've actually lost count of the total number of teachers needed. This much I can tell you - the total volume  of staff needs in international Christian schools is just overwhelming to me.

If you're a recent acquaintance, then you might not know that I spent four years as an administrator at one of these partner schools. During the latter half of that period, I had the opportunity to recruit. I traveled to various schools to speak to potential teachers. I presented our school's staffing needs at international conventions. I trolled personnel data bases that had been designed specifically for international Christian schools. Every year, I prayed that we would somehow have every single staff position filled before the start of the year. Every year, there was inevitably a vacancy that we scrambled to cover.

(This is not to say that God didn't provide; He always, always did.)

As I entered each of the positions available, and as I typed in the names of each administrator, I reflected on those days of struggling to fill spots. I know what it's like to hold an incredible resume in your hand, to think you've stumbled upon the IDEAL candidate for a key teaching position, and to contact said candidate for an interview by Skype. I know the feeling of elation when -post interview- that candidate follows through in completing a very extensive application, and his or her references start to arrive. I know what it's like to make that second call, to offer that job, to hope that this person or that will join your staff. I know exactly how it feels when that ideal candidate thanks you profusely, only to turn down your offer.

After awhile, you learn not to take it personally.

I'm particularly sensitive to these needs right now, because for the first time in more than a decade, Phil & I are on the other end of that scenario. In someone's estimation, *we* are the ideal candidates. We submitted the applications, the resumes, the references. We were the ones to receive the phone calls or e-mails. We have been offered the job - at two schools. Obviously, we can only accept one of them.

We'd like to make a decision soon, but we certainly want to make sure that we've thought through every aspect, that we've prayed sincerely over both possibilities. We'd like to be able to send out a reply by next week. One way or another, we're going to make one school administrator very happy...and another one very disappointed. Prayers are appreciated.

Not Yet

Christiana today - taking a much-needed break from my online workspace. I'm a huge fan of websites & so-forth, but it's a whole new ballgame when I'm the one trying to get the information out there. I want to make sure all of my data is accurate. And I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing. (Just ask my husband. :)

So what am I doing to unwind from my last two days of web-design? I'm blogging. Online. Which requires multiple edits & rewrites before posting. I really know how to relax, don't I?

We've been very blessed by the positive replies we've received from our latest newsletter. We've also been asked numerous times, "Why aren't you telling us where you *might* be going??" and "Why can't you tell us the names of the schools?"

Blame me. Phil would have told y'all everything; I'm the one that asked him to keep it quiet for just a little longer.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had the unfortunate experience of sharing an idea/dream/design/desire, and then endured an onslaught of unsolicited advice.
Yes?
No?
This is not to say that all advice is negative, or that we're not supposed to seek wise counsel from those around us. There is a time & a place for that, but I'd like to hold off from the public opinion polls for a bit longer.

Right now, we don't have any official invitations, so it seems a bit premature to say,"We're going to ________," or "We'd like to be in ________," when perhaps that's not where we're supposed to go. While we do sense that it's between two specific schools, neither of us as a strong sign that the school in _______ is "the one".

Truthfully, I think my biggest reason for this self-imposed silence is that I want us to know that we're allowing God to lead us in the right direction, and that we're really listening to His cues. This is a major life-decision for us, second only to picking out a mattress. There are so many positives about either - and BOTH- possibilities!

Suppose it should be one of those scenarios in which the Lord is leaving us with two open doors? Well, then, my prayer is that we'll be able to make a wise & informed decision based on our gifts & strengths, not on the feelings of a mother's brother's sister's cousin's auntie's Uncle Barney's father.

If you really fear that you'll expire unless you've been clued in to our schools of consideration, please feel free to shoot us an e-mail. Otherwise, sit back & enjoy the wait with us.